The Bling-Mobile

My son Seth brought the Pinewood Derby notification home from Cub Scouts exactly two weeks before the race. My first instinct, besides breathing faster and breaking out in a cold sweat, was to throw the flier in the trash and hope my son would forget - but more importantly, that my husband would never find out. Having lived through previous Pinewood Derbies with our older son, I wasn't sure I was emotionally prepared for another one - especially on such short notice. Weighing our marriage in the balance, I reluctantly showed my husband the flier. He looked at the date, furrowed his brow, mumbled something about short notice, and immediately began the Annual Pinewood Derby Ritual. Every ritual has its rules, its regulations, its pitfalls. With some trepidation, I will divulge ours.

Step One: The Design
The Cub Scout is free to choose any design he wants, as long as it has been pre-screened for its aerodynamic qualities by the Dad. Once the design has been chosen, Dad must spend at least an entire Saturday afternoon in the garage cutting and sanding. The Cub Scout is welcome to assist his father, but may also disappear for long periods of time to ride his Ripstick, play with friends, or get a snack - all without Dad noticing.

Step Two: Painting and Accessorizing
A trip to the craft store for paint, decals, and weights is essential. Since the aesthetic fate of the Cub Scout's car hinges on this trip, Dad should think twice before inviting his 13-year-old daughter along. Should this error in judgment occur, however, keep in mind that the final product will be a Pinewood Derby Car with lots of BLING. It will be blue with sparkly silver weights (the Cub Scout can paint these), a flourish-ey, swirl-ey, fancy "S" (you may substitute the initial of your choice) painted on the top of the car by Big Sister, finished off with dozens of sparkly silver gems (which can be stuck on the car by the Scout). Surprisingly, since Big Sister is cool and has some clout, Cub Scout will be excited about his car. Mom is allowed to raise her eyebrows occasionally at Dad, but should remain silent. When the car is weighed on an ancient scale borrowed from Grandpa and appears to be overweight, some concern is warranted.

Step Three: The Weigh-In
This will occur the night before the Derby itself. Mom should not expect Dad to be able to make it, so she and Cub Scout will be on their own. Once they weigh the car on a modern scale and confirm that it's overweight, Mom should use the provided drill to make holes in the bottom of the car. When a dozen holes fail to achieve desired results, it's time to get more aggressive with the drill. Warning: Try not to drill all the way through to the top of the car. Should this unfortunate event occur, Mom can simply remove one of the gems from another part of the car and strategically place it over the offending hole. She will be pleased to find that removal of gems does not remove paint, which will give her another idea for shedding the excess weight: taking off more gems. If the scale still refuses to budge, she is allowed to curse her husband (under her breath only, please - children will be present) while she drills more and more and more holes with the miniscule drill bit. The scale will eventually respond when approximately half of the car's wood has been removed. Warning: the bottom of the car will look like it's been riddled with tiny bullets. Later, upon describing the weigh-in ordeal to Dad, Mom should be prepared for this question: "Did you drill the holes symmetrically so the car will be balanced?" If Mom is not prepared for this question, she is permitted to react with passion - and not the kind Dad dreams about.

Step Four: The Race
Mom will end up dragging all her kids to the Derby without Dad, who will be late. The Cub Scout should remove his car from the box & line it up with the other cars. The visual comparison will be dramatic, so it is imperative that Mom carefully disguise her reaction upon seeing her son's blindingly sparkly vehicle lined up with the Serious Race Cars painted red, black, yellow, complete with racing stripes and other true race-car accessories. When the Professional Pinewood Derby Announcer's voice begins booming, while Mom is trying to keep her 3-year-old from dismantling the track, she should expect her cell phone to ring and hear Dad's frantic voice on the other end, "Have you put graphite on the axles? You HAVE to graphite the axles before the race!" Under-breath cursing is expected at this point. In one fluid motion, Mom should then: fish the graphite out of her purse, toss it to Big Sister (who will be annoyed because she is busy socializing), continue to restrain her 3-yr-old, yell to Big Sister to help Cub Scout graphite his wheels, and finally breathe as she watches her son's car come in second place in the first heat. Just as the cars cross the finish line, Dad will rush in and take charge of the Graphite, the Bling-Moblie, and the Cub Scout for the rest of the evening. Mom should probably stop cursing at this point.

Step Five: The Results
Despite everyone's best efforts, the Cub Scout will not win a medal. He will, however, receive the distinguished title of WEIRDEST CAR. Before you think this too strange, keep in mind that the awards will have been written before the Derby takes place. Who can blame the Title-Writing Committee for not coming up with BEST BLING-MOBILE?

Weighing his marriage in the balance, Dad must never, ever say this out loud, but he will likely be inclined to blame the car's Non-Medal Status on the holes in the bottom.

They were simply not drilled symmetrically.